He Said, She Said...But What Does God Say?

The media continues to showcase the implosion of Jon and Kate Gosselin's marriage. Sadly, many continue to take what the media spoon feeds them, accept it as gospel and truth, and react likely in support or judgment of Jon or Kate.

How fickle we can be. Poor Jon, mean Kate. Poor Kate, mean Jon. Poor both. Mean both. Enough already!

God knew when He designed us with emotions that we would be capable of such wonderful fellowship and love. He also knew that we would act like selfish idiots.

For each of us, divorce or separation has either touched us directly or indirectly. It's impossible to escape these tentacles in a society unwilling to suffer through the bad times because we don't wish to be unconvenienced. Let's face it, a relationship is going to face tough times and challenges. How we handle (or don't handle) those challenges says a great deal about our maturity and priorities.

Recently, Jon Gosselin appeared to be seeking maturity and taking responsibility of his family. In Touch Weekly released the following statement:

When Jon Gosselin heard that his estranged wife, Kate, had a breakdown during the taping of a TV pilot in September, he knew he was responsible for her suffering. In addition to flaunting his relationship with his new girlfriend, Hailey Glassman, and partying at clubs all over the country surrounded by scantily clad women, Jon went on ABC's Primetime recently and said he "despised" the mother of his eight children. "He woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and didn't like the reflection," Jon's attorney, Mark Jay Heller, tells In Touch. "He realized he'd made some bad choices." Jon and Kate were due to be officially divorced by the end of November -- but now he claims he's had a serious change of heart. "I regret my conduct since Kate and I separated [on June 22]," Jon tells In Touch exclusively. "I used poor judgment in publicly socializing with other women so soon."


Shockingly, today, Jon submitted a document to a Pennsylvania court-approved arbitrator, which he hopes will suspend his split with Kate for 90 days. He explains, "This will enable Kate and me to restore our relationship as cooperative parents and to open up our lines of communication. I hope that she will be as receptive and enthusiastic as I am to do what is best for our family." He also pleaded with her to set aside their anger so they can start interacting amicably. "I would like to get back with Kate as a partner in parenting," Jon tells In Touch. "Even though we were heading for a divorce, it appeared that Kate had been suffering from this divorce as much as I had. That's why I asked my attorney to put the brakes on this divorce so I could try to regain control over the future of our family. So Kate and I could join on a cooperative course that would benefit our family -- not destroy it."


Jon claims he's done sowing his wild oats and grown disenchanted with his playboy lifestyle. Jon believes that his womanizing was a result of being dumped by Kate, who told him it was over in October 2008 before filing for divorce. "When Kate broke up with me, I begged her to go with me to counseling," he says. "She was totally against it. I think I was reacting to the pain I have been suffering as a result of Kate's rejection of me." Heller insists that Jon wants the document to be a sort of peace treaty: "He is hoping to inspire his wife to become less rigid, inflexible and controlling and open up. We're hoping Jon and Kate can sit down together and start exploring what to do about their situation. Once they do that, the rest will fall into place."

If you've followed the Gosselin's story, it has truly evolved into a he said, she said scenario. Ultimately, it's easy to assert your own opinion here. Is Jon being sincere, and how convenient this happened just as it's announced the show was becoming "Kate Plus 8."

He said, she said, but what does God say?


PORTRAIT OF A MARRIAGE
Many things are uncertain in life but we can be sure of is what the Bible says about a Biblical marriage and how to heal that relationship. GotQuestions.org paints how and why a Biblical marriage works:

God ordained the first marriage in the Garden of Eden between Adam and Eve. When sin entered because of their disobedience, that perfect union was destroyed. Subsequently, God told Eve that Adam would be her "head" to rule over her (Genesis 3:16). (Compare 1 Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:22; Titus 2:5; 1 Peter 3:5-6.) This "rule" has been overthrown by the modern liberal women's movement and has brought untold unhappiness to those who believe the "lie." There is also the human viewpoint that "all are equal." In a way, that is true. We all have equal access to salvation in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:28). But to say that all in the world are equal in human opportunity, abilities or even power is naïve. God had a purpose for placing wives under the authority of their husbands. Because of sin, that rule has been both abused and chaffed under, and the result has brought chaos to the home and family. However, God does not let the husband off the hook. The husband is to "love his wife as he loves his own body" (Ephesians 5:28). In fact, the greater part of the responsibility of the marriage model is given to the husband. The woman is to obey her husband as unto the Lord; however, husbands are to love their wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it" (Ephesians 5:25-29).

What's key: Husbands must obey God and love, honor, and protect his wife as he would his own body (Ephesians 5:25-31). Likewise, wives should obey God and submit to her own husband “as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). The marriage between a man and a woman is a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church. Christ gave Himself for the church and He loves, honors, and protects her as His “bride” (Revelation 19:7-9).

Dwelling on the information above, it's clear why so many marriages fail today. Men disengage and focus on other things instead of their family. Women take on too many responsibilities and fill the voids left by husbands. Both want to do their own thing and chase their own dreams. While men are shirking their responsibilities, women often get mired in the worldly trap that they should not be submissive...as if that's a lowly place to be. Yet, the phrase "as to the Lord" is conveniently overlooked and the Scriptures aren't studied enough to understand the concept.


HEALING A MARRIAGE
For any relationship to work, a commitment is required from both. There must be a commitment to not keep score, to forgive, and to keep moving forward. A relationship mired in past hurts or stagnant in a routine present will not grow and could wither and die.


Healing begins (and ends) with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. The man and woman each should have their own relationship with Christ, therefore allowing Him to be involved in the marriage. When we drift away from spending time with God via reading the Bible, going to church, and spending time with other Believers, it's like driving out into the desert. Eventually your car will run out of gas and finding fuel is a slim to none chance. Eventually, you will stop seeking His guidance, stop praying, and stop listening to the small voice of the Holy Spirit. You're spiritual tank will run dry. Unlike the car in the desert, all you have to do is "turn around" to find your spiritual source of fuel: Jesus.

Accepting Christ as your Lord and Savior or restoring a relationship and fellowship with Him and embracing His forgiveness (1 John 1:9) is the first step.

Next, you must forgive your spouse and yourself. We are commanded to forgive others. "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32). If you are a Believer, you are forgiven. Therefore, you must forgive as Christ has forgiven you. To withhold forgiveness of another or yourself is your choice but is disobedience toward God, sin in your life, and you will not experience His blessings.

But what if a Christian has an affair? Should reactions be any different?

Unfaithfulness is a very difficult and emotional moment in a couple's life that can shatter trust and even a person's faith. "Turn all your worries over to Him. He cares about you" (1 Peter 5:7) That's a comforting verse, but one has to be willing to forgive. "Forgive people when they sin against you. If you do, your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive people their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:14, 15).

But, God, you really don't know what happened to me! How can I forgive that?

He actually does know, completely, what happened. Holding onto anger, bitterness, or hatred will impact attitudes, emotions, and the desire to obey God. Everyday you carry that negativity around, you will be disobeying God and affecting your decisions.

But also, the couple - not just the person who had the affair - must admit to their actions that were wrong and sinful. In a relationship, each person plays a part and they both have to "own" their part - their sin. Don't push it off on lonely nights or being ignored. Also, don't wear faithfulness and being a good spouse as a badge. That's pride and that's sin. Dump the excuses. Own it and then let it go. "But God is faithful and fair. If we admit that we have sinned, He will forgive us our sins. He will forgive every wrong thing we have done. He will make us pure" (1 John 1:9).

Also, sexual unfaithfulness isn't the only means of cheating on your spouse. You can just as easily hurt your relationship with your job, your hobbies, or pornography.

When you're willing to forgive, do you continue living with this person? Remember, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). But also, "anyone who divorces his wife and gets married to another woman commits adultery. A man may divorce his wife only if she has not been faithful to him" (Matthew 19:9). God’s preference is forgiveness and reconciliation.

The Bible gives two clear grounds for divorce: (1) sexual immorality (Matthew 5:32; 19:9) and (2) abandonment by an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7:15). Yet, these are only grounds for divorce not requirements. Confession, forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration are always the first steps. Divorce be the last resort.

Lastly, the area that Jon and Kate seem to be hurting the most: controlling emotions. For the Christian, the Holy Spirit of God is capable of controlling emotions and not allowing them to control us (Romans 8:9-11). If we allow the Holy Spirit to guide us, we can experience love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Otherwise, we give into worldly emotions and they often consume our thoughts, perceptions, reactions, and more. Emotions are a gift from God but they also are a gauge to what's in our hearts (Luke 6:45).

While Jon and Kate have shared their faith on their show previously, little of that fruit seems to exist today. Pray that both Jon and Kate will either accept Jesus Christ as Lord & Savior or renew their individual relationship with Him.

Also pray that they will forgive each other and themselves for their actions and thoughts towards each other.

Pray that they turn over their emotions (anger, fear, lust) to God.

Lastly, pray that their relationship will heal to at a working partnership to be mother and father to their children. Perhaps they can return to a friendship. But only through doing the steps above can they find true healing.