Dump Your Anger, Jon

Perhaps you recall my last open letter to Jon Gosselin. In that letter, I shared my support for Jon, how I related to his personality, and encouraged him to stand strong while new rumors were emerging and old ones were tired and true. I took some heat for the note and the post before it but expected as much.

After all, why would I or anyone else defend a man who appeared to not defend himself, who acted so passive, and who just kinda drifted through life? Why defend someone who was faking his faith and running a scam? Basically, why defend - and why pray for - a lying loser?

If you haven't asked yourself those questions, you've likely read the exact words or sentiments somewhere in the tabloid content streams.

Or maybe now you feel that way after being unable to ignore the news about his life away from Kate. So, why pray for Jon now? After all, he's had several relationships with different women in two months since filing for divorce. He doesn't seem to care what happens to his future ex-wife and kids. Clearly, he's more interested in himself and is looking out for number one. Sound like anything you've thought?

Fascinating.

The level of passion and emotion that was generally reserved for Kate and her Type-A personality and marriage/parenting skills are now being applied to Jon and his immaturity and sexual escapades.

Fact is, all anyone knows of Jon and this family is what is shown and read about them - some fact, some fiction. Thus, who are we to assume we know them and if we're even getting an accurate representation of the facts?

Jon and Kate both have had solo interviews "setting the record straight" but contradicted the others perspective. Such is divorce seen through the media lens.

So, I thought it was time for an updated open-letter to Jon:

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Jon,

You don't know me and what I know of you is likely less than 1% of your life. It's rather comical how people feel like they "know" someone from reading their books, reading articles and blogs about them, and watching videos of them. However, it's impossible to not relate to someone when "invited into their lives" on a weekly basis.

Not long ago you said, "I hate the way my emotions make me feel." I've always found that statement interesting. God designed us with feelings. So, if you hate that gift, what's the problem? Do you feel your emotions betray you? When you wanted to feel something were you not able to express those emotions?

It's just an unusual statement.

Jon, emotions can be great red-flags to what's going on in one's life: anger, fear, loneliness, and depression can all alert us to trouble. It's good to pay attention to your emotions.

Only you and Kate really know what happened to your marriage and it should be your business - between you and Kate. However, since you've invite people into your lives, everyone feels entitled to offer their opinion and advice. Plus, you each seem to have a different take on what happened. That's to be expected since emotions have washed the clarity of life from your eyes.

You and Kate say each other's goals are different and that you're two different people now. You claim in October 2008 Kate said, "I am done. You are going to live your life, and I am going to live my life." Kate has denied that claim.

He said, she said.

You both have said that you do everything for the children, that the show is for them, the house is for them, money from the show will send them all to college, Kate wears her wedding ring for them...to not upset them. You did everything for the children including claiming to be "in this together" and telling your children that you'll always be a family. "There are no other options."

But what did you do for each other? A couple cannot invest all their time in children, career, church, or whatever...and never invest quality time in growing their relationship.

No one's perfect, Christian or not, married or not, parents or not. It takes two to make a marriage. It takes two to get divorced. It doesn't matter who wanted out first, nor does it matter who tried or didn't try to save the marriage. There's enough blame to share.

James 1:19 says: But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.

Jon, I think you've had a lot of anger build up over the years, and I pray you resolve this anger. It's shredded your marriage and encouraged multiple relationships...what's next?

There are four destructive patterns in a relationship that can produce anger and possibly produce divorce:

• Withdrawal. Walking away from an argument without resolving it.
  
  
• Escalation. Emotions increase to name calling, yelling or anger.
  
  
• Invalidation. Not allowing someone to feel like his own needs, feeling, or thoughts are valid.
  
  
• Negative Beliefs. Believing that the other person is intentionally trying to hurt or upset you.

Any of this sound like what you've been through? You and Kate are both angry and you each need to resolve it. But you are responsible for you and your actions. My prayer is that you deal with your anger now for your sake and the sake of your children.

If you're really willing to deal with your anger, how you relate to Kate will improve regardless of whether she addresses her own anger and regardless whether you both ever rebuild your marriage.

Anger has filled your heart and is choking out your relationship with God. It's causing you to make poor decisions. Letting go of this anger and forgiving Kate (and anyone else you're mad at) will give you peace and allow the Holy Spirit back into your life.

Ephesians 4:31–32 says Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Under His Grace & Mercy,
Rick Garner